Today is the 150th Anniversary of the coward Robert E. Lee’s Surrender at Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant. This is basically the official holiday of our website. I MEAN WE’RE NOT CALLED THE UNION FOREVER JUST BECAUSE IT MAKES FOR A CATCHY ADVERTISING JINGLE/PISSES OFF SCOTTISH PEOPLE.
So who better to tell you how to celebrate this (should be) National Holiday?
1. Get shitfaced and sing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”
2. Grow some awesome facial hair
Ambrose Burnside–Great sideburns, mediocre general
3. Stab the first person you see with a southern accent
4. Lecture to a bunch of Civil War re-enactors about how Robert E. Lee wasn’t actually a good general
Reason 1: He got his ass kicked. Reason 2: If he was so smart why didn’t he see WAR OF ATTRITION coming?
5. Hug a factory
Speaking of war of attrition, without the Union’s massive superiority in industrial production (and therefore wealth) such a war would have been impossible and the traitorous South very possibly gone uncrushed.
6. Find a white person and explain to them how the Civil War was about one thing and one thing only–slavery
Because it was. 18 times the South Carolina Declaration Succession mentions slavery. 18 times! In it even refers to the parties aggrieved by the federal government in the very first sentence as being the “slave-holding States.”
7. Visit, you know, a Civil War battlefield or something
Quick, before they’re all turned into strip malls packed with Tiki Tans.
8. Re-burn Atlanta to the ground
Come on, would anybody really miss it? I mean the people who live there, I guess, but they’d be dead from smoke inhalation so…
9. Click on every link on the Union Forever every day from here unto eternity
10. Come together as friends, touched by the better angels of our nature
Shut up. We actually care about America and want it to be nice. And isn’t that what winning the Civil War was all about?