10 Super Sweet Ways to Celebrate the 150th Anniversary of Lee’s Surrender at Appomattox Court House, Virginia

Today is the 150th Anniversary of the coward Robert E. Lee’s Surrender at Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant. This is basically the official holiday of our website. I MEAN WE’RE NOT CALLED THE UNION FOREVER JUST BECAUSE IT MAKES FOR A CATCHY ADVERTISING JINGLE/PISSES OFF SCOTTISH PEOPLE.

So who better to tell you how to celebrate this (should be) National Holiday?

1. Get shitfaced and sing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”

2. Grow some awesome facial hair

Ambrose Burnside

Ambrose Burnside–Great sideburns, mediocre general

3. Stab the first person you see with a southern accent

Stabbing

 

4. Lecture to a bunch of Civil War re-enactors about how Robert E. Lee wasn’t actually a good general

Re-enactors

Reason 1: He got his ass kicked. Reason 2: If he was so smart why didn’t he see WAR OF ATTRITION coming?

5. Hug a factory

steel mill

 

Speaking of war of attrition, without the Union’s massive superiority in industrial production (and therefore wealth) such a war would have been impossible and the traitorous South very possibly gone uncrushed.

6. Find a white person and explain to them how the Civil War was about one thing and one thing only–slavery

racist_democrat_poster

Because it was. 18 times the South Carolina Declaration Succession mentions slavery. 18 times! In it even refers to the parties aggrieved by the federal government in the very first sentence as being the “slave-holding States.”

7. Visit, you know, a Civil War battlefield or something

High_Water_Mark_-_Cemetery_Ridge,_Gettysburg_Battlefield

Quick, before they’re all turned into strip malls packed with Tiki Tans.

8. Re-burn Atlanta to the ground

Atlanta

Come on, would anybody really miss it? I mean the people who live there, I guess, but they’d be dead from smoke inhalation so…

9. Click on every link on the Union Forever every day from here unto eternity

Click

10. Come together as friends, touched by the better angels of our nature

Friendship_love_and_truth

Shut up. We actually care about America and want it to be nice. And isn’t that what winning the Civil War was all about?