Is Bioshock More Profound than Killing Your Father with a Golf Club?

(Here on Terrible Alternatives, we take a hard stare at the worst things that can happen to a human being, whether that’s death, murder, terrorism, being on fire, or wasting hours of your finite existence playing a video game, and compare the merits of each. Using an empirical, carefully crafted system, we determine which of these two terrible alternatives is the best use of your time.)

Today’s contestants:


                                    A video game where you travel to an underwater city to shoot at drug addicts in masks while a man shouts at you about Objectivism/how good it feels to be rich



Killing Your Father with a Golf Club

He deserves it. But can you really go back to prison?


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The 4 Spookiest Jump Scares in Five Nights at Freddy’s 3

Everyone knows that, as far as video games go, the Five Nights at Freddy’s trilogy are some of the spookiest of all time. For one, the game is premised on sitting alone in a room while waiting to die. (Though this seems like a perfect allegory for playing video games in general, there’s a key difference: in real life, your killer is the slow, relentless, grinding march of time rather than malfunctioning and/or haunted animatronics in a children’s restaurant.) For another, I was beaten up at Chuck-E-Cheese’s as a child, so it’s almost like this game has been watching me my entire life.

Spooky, right?

But what you might not know is that the developer, Scott Cawthon, fills his games with all kinds of mysterious Easter Eggs that hint at the dark history of Freddy Fazbear’s Entertainment. Easter Eggs that always involve a dead mouse robot jumping out and scaring you. Boo!

Here are four of the spookiest hidden jump scares in the game!


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Should You Play Assassins Creed: Black Flag?

As you’ve probably noticed, the Union Forever really loves charts. Charts about killing the President. Charts about really old Super Nintendo games. Charts about what historical leaders had sex with more partners.

But we’ve never published a flowchart. They’re the untamed frontier of our carefully graphed world.

Until now!

As part of our mad scientist-like plan to combine with, we present to you a flowchart that answers the burning question of our age: Should you play Assassins Creed: Blag Flag, a game about pirates that came out a year and a half ago?

(Click the image for the best possible viewing experience)

Should You Play Ass Creed

Did you enjoy this colorful chart I made while drunk on Nilla wafers and sleep deprivation? If so, share it! I mean, surely your friends have also pondered this question. Surely they too are in need of the guidance only a poorly designed flowchart can offer.

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