It’s been awhile since we’ve published a missive from the Kingdom of Despair (what can we say? Like most Pennsylvanians we’ve recently been imprisoned), but the time has come to once again to stare deeply into the abyss.
The abyss of men who are terrified of aliens.
Down in Hermitage, Pennsylvania, a town that proudly declares on its website that it was once declared the best place to live in Pennsylvania by a thing called “Credit Donkey,” there lives a seventy-eight year old man named Arthur Brown who has wrapped his house in aluminum foil and set up a massive battery of spotlights and strobe lights he keeps shining all hours of the day and night in order to ward off alien invaders.
According to neighbors, Brown has been doing this for twenty years. Twenty years of strobe lights. Twenty years of aluminum foil. Twenty years of them being woken up at 3 am by a vast array of multicolored lights bursting into their living rooms and bedrooms and bathrooms.
Finally, though, things are coming to a head.
Recently, the long suffering seventy-year old woman who lives directly across the street from Brown decided to try and sell her home so that she could move into a nearby condo, presumably overlooking the scenic tar sludge-filled waters of the Shenango River. Strangely, with the strobe lights battering her property with the consistency and ferocity of an artillery barrage, she’s been unable to find a buyer. No one, it turns out, wants to live across the street from a lunatic obsessed with aliens who likes to shine strobe lights into your house.
Not only has Arthur Brown more or less ruined her life with his antics, but his presence is actively preventing her from escaping him. He is, like so many Pennsylvanians, essentially a living, breathing, mentally deranged black hole.
In desperation, she’s taken legal action and reported Brown to city officials who she hoped would finally force Brown to stop. But they haven’t. Thus far all the punishment the city of Hermitage has been able to bring itself to inflict upon Brown is to fine him $500 dollars for every day he keeps the lights on past a certain point in the night.
So far he has racked up a fine of $20,000 but the lights still blaze on, warding away those spacefarers who, after crossing the nearly infinite vastness of space to reach the Earth, would otherwise undoubtedly attempt to harm Arthur Brown.
~Pennsylvania Uber Alles~
(For more information, enjoy this local news video that provided most of our article’s images)