(The Union Forever has a new column! 4 Your Life: Semi Useful Advice where our newest author, a magical horse, will attempt to answer all your deepest darkest questions about life. Think of her as the older, tattooed, world-weary equine sister you never had.)
Dear Answer Horse,
I am a practicing Wiccan. Recently, I made an altar to display in the convenience store where I work but my supervisor has asked me to remove it. How can I get my boss to understand that this is an expression of religious freedom?
Stuck between a Crystal and a Hard Place
Just kidding. My stablemate in college was a pagan and now he is a successful chiropractor in Toledo with a wife and family. Actually, that’s not true. I have no idea what Trigger is up to these days. We haven’t spoken since we ate those ecstasy spiked oats and accidentally made out at that frat party. Based on his academic performance, my guess is that he’s making your sliders at the White Castle next to
the abandoned Kmart and living in your mom’s basement.
Religion is a subject that is often uncomfortable to talk about in the workplace. Unless your name is Rita from accounts payable and you’ve recently been baptized after sleeping with some guy your dad used to work with down at the scrap yard. As you may reject certain principles of the mainstream faiths, others may be nervous seeing your pentagram tattoo peeking out from the back of your waistband. Do you worship Satan? Do you shop at Hot Topic? Are you going to mug them and buy black nail polish and Erasure CDs with their credit cards? Where do you buy CDs nowadays? They don’t know! I’m sure they also find your overpowering aroma of henbane equally offensive.
I would suggest that you find subtle ways to bring your practices in to the office, perhaps by putting up a Stevie Nicks poster and sprinkling potpourri around your register. Any image of Ms. Nicks in a hooded shawl is both magickal AND hot. A poster of Fairuza Balk from The Craft is an equally sexy choice. I’m also sure your grandma has some mesh bags of dried out rose petals from 1993 in her sock drawer you can use. A subtle homage to nature or naturally textured hair can be your way of honoring the goddesses without getting everybody’s saddle twisted. If I were you, I’d do a few chants while you anoint yourself with body spray.
Now that you’re armed with confidence, you tell Rick down at the Quick Stop that as long as you’re replacing those hot dogs on the roller grill and not stealing lotto tickets you can practice your religion as you damn well please!
Break a leg,
The Answer Horse
(Need the help of the Answer Horse? Email her at email@example.com. Seriously. She’s ready for whatever crisis you might throw at her.)